Friday, April 01, 2011

Vintage CofC April Fool's Day Joke - A classic!

April 1, 1996

To: All Employees

From: The President

Re: Restroom Guidelines

In the past, employees have been able to make trips to the restrooms under informal guidelines. Effective July 1, 1996, a RESTROOM TRIP POLICY (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for an employee's restroom time and to insure equal treatment of all employees. This action is necessitated due to an increase in restroom privilege abuse.

Under this policy, a RESTROOM TRIP BANK (RTB) will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, each employee will be given a RESTROOM TRIP CREDIT (RTC) of twenty (20). Each time an employee uses the restroom, one (1) trip credit will be deducted from his/her RTB balance. Unused credit may be accumulated from month to month. However, the balance may not exceed thirty (30).

Doors to all restrooms are currently being equipped with a PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION SYSTEM STATION. The employee identification cards now in process of being issued to all employees will allow entrance. The stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the next three months. Employees should begin to acquaint themselves with the stations during that time period.

Be sure to pick up your identification card before July 1, 1996. Effective on that date, the stations will be fully operational, and those potential restroom users without identification cards will be automatically restricted from restroom use.

If an employee's RTB reaches zero, the doors to all restrooms will not function for that employee until the first day of the following month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with TIMED PAPER ROLL RETRACTORS (TPRRs). If a stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the toilet will automatically flush, the toilet paper will be retracted by the TPRRs and the doors will spring open. It is highly recommended that all employees practice their response time at home should this occur unexpectedly.

Needless to say, the foregoing is in response to demands by the Legislature for greater accountability in higher education.

No comments: